If there wasn't bad luck, I'd have no luck at all!

This is lovely. I had another accident last night. I think it's because of all the stress I've been under, it seems like every day I'm emailing one caregiver to see if they can cover for another caregiver, and hitting up several people for one shift. It's enough to make me cry every day. And stress is bad for everything. 

So anyway, since that "accident" almost 2 years ago, I can't walk. But with assistance, I do a stand/pivot transfer to my wheelchair or bed or whatever. Last night. I was doing my stand/pivot from my wheelchair to my bed, and I basically collapsed. My caregiver was behind my wheelchair pulling it out of the way for me to pivot onto the bed, so I wasn't able to just sit back down in the wheelchair. Instead, I slid to the floor, with my legs buckling under me, and I heard a crack. I asked my caregiver to help me down, straighten out my legs, as fast as possible. She was freaking out, and I was surprisingly calm. I mean, whaddaya do, right? So I'm on my back on the floor. Lucky for me, it was right under my ceiling lift tracking and beside my bed, and my lift can reach the floor. AWESOME. Saved us needing to call 9-1-1. 

So she put the sling under me, and lifted me onto the bed. I knew stuff was sore - my ankle, knee area - but nothing was swelling up. I was safe on my bed and not screaming in pain, so I figured I'd live. We iced my ankle a bit and she did my usual rub down/massage. I tried not to worry about it, but man, sleeping was more difficult than usual. 

This morning, Mabel came in. I told her what had happened the night before, and that I'd probably skip some of my exercises. Every time she needed to move my right leg or touch my ankle I cringed. She suggested going to the hospital, I was stubborn and said no. (I HATE THOSE PLACES AND I USUALLY END UP IN A FACILITY FOR MONTHS!) We put on my air cast (saved from my last break) and I tried to stand. It didn't go well. We managed to get me in my wheelchair, but the thought of standing to get to my recliner was too much. We called 9-1-1. We went over to my exercise table instead, I thought it would be easiest if I was lying on that and Mabel got the sling under me, to lift me onto their stretcher. 

So I did need to stand one more time. I asked Mabel to sort of "push" me onto the exercise table, or at least in that general direction. I'm not even sure how we did it, but we did it. The paramedics arrived, I explained what happened, and I needed x-rays to see if there was a break, or what. They were REALLY nice and helpful. We got me on the stretcher and once I had everything with me, I called my dad to meet me at the hospital so Mabel could just go home. 

At the hospital, things did move pretty fast. The paramedics I had decided to just keep me on their stretcher as I'd probably be going home again, and since their ambulance (and them) were needed by the city, I think that helped speed things up. So I had my x-rays and the doctor told me I had a small fracture in my fibula (again) but it was very stable (thanks to wearing my AFO - again) so I could weight bare as tolerated. I also have a sprained ankle, so that "as tolerated" is pretty bad right now. A lady came and gave me a knee splint and an ankle brace. I KNOW these things cost hundreds of dollars, so I told her I didn't think I needed the knee splint. She said "shhhh... don't tell him that!" And I said "yeah, but then I get the bill..." and she said she wouldn't send me one! So nice. 

I got home, and lifted into my recliner. The paramedics gave me the blanket I had on as well. My dad, who had been at the hospital and came back here shortly after we did, made sure I had my water and a banana (it was almost 3:00 and I hadn't eaten since supper the night before) and then left. Thalia came in about 5:00; the sling is still under me so I just stayed here, and we'll use it tonight to lift me in bed. I already miss being able to use my Chi machine and stand! I'm so uncomfortable in one spot. 

Anyway, I'm headed to bed soon. We'll ice my ankle again and do some massage and I'll hope for a better day tomorrow!

Stresssss

I know that writing is a gift I have. I know it. Even a Buzzfeed quiz I did said I should be a writer! What is my excuse to procrastinate so much? Why aren't I writing in this every day, whether someone else is reading, or not? And no one is going to read it if I don't write in it, anyway. Those are the questions. I don't have an answer. Just write, goddammit. It's not like I don't have a lot to say. 

The amount of stress I've been under lately cannot be put into words, anyway haha. It started a couple months ago when my self-managed care was switched over to 100% me. I was on "blended" care - on my shower days two people were sent by an agency - but now I'm 100% responsible for hiring and training my own caregivers for all shifts. The good part is, I don't have to deal with that crappy agency anymore. The bad part is, good caregivers have been an issue to hire, train, and keep. 

Before I needed my own people for the shower days (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday) I knew Christina was leaving soon - she has been with me for years, and for the past year she took over my Monday-Wednesday-Friday morning care while she was in school, as well as my Tuesday/Thursday supper/bedtime shifts. It worked great. But she would be done school and looking for a full time job in her chosen field, but assured me she wouldn't leave until I was in good hands and she'd trained someone for awhile. Since Thalia (another long term caregiver) can't really do mornings unless I'm desperate, I went on the hunt for Christina's replacement. 

Which I thought I found in, let's call her, Lanky. (People who know her are laughing). She was hired to do M-W-F at first, and would also be trained to do supper/bedtimes should I need her in the future (we still didn't know what Christina's schedule would be and we hoped she'd be able to continue doing those).  So Lanky started training, and it was during this time that it was decided I'd need my own people for shower days, too. So I put out an ad for Tues/Thurs/Sat mornings and hired two people for those. Everything was working out so far. 

On the first Tuesday the new girls worked, one told me she just booked a flight back home to the Philippenes for 5+ weeks, leaving in about a month. It was very sudden but she had to go, and understood if I wanted to let her go immediately. I could tell she'd work out great in the long run, and since I had Lanky and the other girl that could cover for her while she was away, I kept her on. I worked it out with Lanky that she'd work Monday to Friday and every other Saturday, as Christina or Thalia could do the alternating Saturdays. This would start in early August. It is now... End of June or early July, I think. 

So we carried on. Christina training Lanky, who seemed a little flaky and crazy, but we hoped just the right amount of crazy. She said over and over that she wanted to be here for me, take care of me until the day I died, that I could always count on her, etc. I tried to ignore the fact that she was a single mom of 3 kids, two different dads, newly engaged to a guy she met the night before she started working for me, that was still married himself, and she wasn't using any birth control. I TRIED TO IGNORE THE RED FLAGS because she was so, oh, I don't know, keen on taking care of me forever. 

So I'm sure you can guess where I'm going with this. Christina wasn't needed in the mornings, so she started looking for a job. She had an offer right away, but they told her to be patient as they were unsure of her exact start date. Long story. Anyway, that was good for me, as that one girl went on her trip and Lanky called in sick. Christina covered for her, and helped me get to the mall this one day, when Lanky was supposed to work, but was "too sick, sore, delirious..."  and of course, we saw her. 

We wouldn't have seen her, but her three year old son threw a grocery cart out of a store and right in front of me, forcing us to stop. He giggled while Lanky scolded him, then realized it was me. Otherwise, we would have gone right past that store. She didn't look sick or delirious. I'm not going to comment about how sore she was, that could very well be true, but I NEVER HEARD FROM HER AGAIN. My guess is, she was super embarrassed. But the way she handled it? Not even contacting me? Child. 

So Christina covered for her every day for as long as she could. I hired another caregiver. She came once, called in that she couldn't come the next day, said she'd be here the day after for bedtime training, never showed up, never called. I hired another girl, who was FANTASTIC, but after coming to me she had a second interview with what was supposed to be her part-time evenings job, and they loved her so much (no surprise) that they gave her full time days. Something I can't do (SMC funds me for a certain amount of hours per week, which I have to arrange for my caregivers, but no one can work full time at this point). So I hired another caregiver, who cancelled on me the night before starting to say HE (yes, I hired a man, I did not care) forgot he had a bunch of appointments that week (read: job interviews) and couldn't come. So I hired yet ANOTHER caregiver, and by this point Christina has started training at her new job, so can no longer train here. This new person is partly being trained by that other new girl and Thalia (both who have saved my ass this past couple weeks). 

Stress. So much stress. Tomorrow is my first day alone with the new lady, so I hope it goes well. It's the range of motion exercises I'm most concerned with. Any caregiver can give you a sponge bath, but not all can transfer you safely and exercise your body properly! Fingers crossed. 

Thalia has had to work a few mornings and bring her daughter. Vicky (the new girl hired for shower days but has now become much more) has had to do Sundays and Mondays as well. She has another job which keeps her away other days. Erika, who has worked for me for a couple years but is now an R.N., has been helping out, too. My friend Shawna has helped out, and even my dad has helped get me in the shower and will need to do a supper shift this week. Now Kristina, who worked for me a long time ago, is going back to school and can do some supper/bedtimes starting next week, thank goodness. Since Christina's shifts at this point don't allow her to work for me at all!

Confused? Try living inside my head and organizing this crap. Stress, I tell ya. I still don't know exactly when that gal in the Philippenes is back and what her schedule is like, as she's going back to school, too. Plus she wants me to help get her sister over here as a "live in caregiver" which would mean tons of lying to the government which I'm not prepared to do. If she doesn't stop asking me and making me feel guilty for "not helping her" then I'll have to fire her. I can't handle it! I barely know this girl and she's asking a HUGE favour of me. I don't qualify and the amount of work, and lying, involved TO qualify is not a risk I'm willing to take.

Bach Rescue Remedy is a staple right now!