I absolutely can not wait for the doctor assisted death/suicide (whatever you want to call it) law to pass. I mean... I can't wait any longer. I'm writing this blog post to let anyone and everyone know - my plan is to end my life ASAP. I can't even explain what I go through in a 24 hour period! No one should need to live like this. I'm so stiff, sore and spasm constantly. Meds don't help that. I live with absolutely no dignity - I can't even move without a caregiver's help, never mind cleaning, washing, bowel movements, catheters. You just don't know. No one does. I'm so sick of it. Every day is harder than the last. I procrastinate going to sleep because the next day will come and then I have to do everything all over again. The pain, the suffering, the struggles - I can't even explain how bad it s.
So I watched a documentary on Netflix called "How To Die in Oregon" about the assisted death law there. It was REALLY good and got the point across. They showed a man named Derek Humphry, who wrote a book called "Final Exit". I immediately bought and downloaded it to my Kindle, read it, and now have some ideas on how I can end my immense suffering (end my life) successfully. I plan to do it very soon. I can't wait for the law and legislation to pass and whatever hoops they'll make me jump through before I'm granted my wish to die with the aid of a doctor. I have to do it myself, and soon.
I still need to buy some supplies and get a few more ducks in a row before I do it. I'll need some help - I can type/print letters and documents, but I can't get them myself for signing. They're supposed to be beside my body. I can do the actual ACT myself, but I will need assistance to prepare. Is that within the law? It's not illegal to commit suicide, but it is for someone to help you. So I need to find that person. I'm not sure of the laws here so I need to find out. In the U.S. it's okay to watch someone kill themselves and do nothing, but I'm not sure about here. I still have some digging to do.
I desperately need someone to help me. But I can't ask family or anyone close to me for that kind of help! The risk is too high, emotionally they couldn't live with themselves and they'll all be questioned, so I don't want them anywhere near me. It has to be someone not connected to me. But I need to make it clear through a signed/dated letter that it was 100% my idea and wish, that I'm of sound mind, and I thought about it rationally and did it myself. No one else can be implicated. But they will have to make sure I'm dead before they leave - so that narrows the field considerably. Someone who supports this 100% isn't hard to find, but someone who can handle checking a dead body for a pulse? Ouch.
I wish I had done this earlier, when I was still mobile and could do EVERYTHING regarding suicide for myself. But I was too busy living my life and it never crossed my mind, how quickly things could turn. I didn't read the books or research this subject at all. I never thought it would get this bad. I never thought... Sigh. Not that I'm telling ANYONE with a progressive disease to do this. I'm a special circumstance - the speed in which I declined has a hell of a lot to do with those paramedics who broke and twisted my leg so badly on Septemberr 21, 2012. Before that I could still get up on my own and walk a bit. The decline in my health since then is overwhelming to think about. My anxiety is through the roof when I do!
Anyway, I just wanted people to know, that's my plan. So no one is shocked when they hear of my death. Finding that person may take me quite awhile, unfortunately.